There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
