the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
