Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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