Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize