so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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