Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
