By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
