you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
