You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
