someone threw a dead crab at me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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