it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
