I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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