I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
