There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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