you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
