i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
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