note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
