I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
