Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
