Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
