I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
