I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just invented taco cereal.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
