Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
