i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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