OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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