my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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