Only a mothe r could love this liver
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
