Having a random hookup so left but love u
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
