i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
