I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sext me about skeletons
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
