you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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