I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
