literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize