im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think my moral compass just broke
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
