fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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