I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
