Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
