Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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