So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
as a side note pls kill me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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