mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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