'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
