it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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