Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We need a shit load of segways right now
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
