Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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