Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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