Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
