That's when you crack a 10am beer
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wear drunk well.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
