she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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