party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
