my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
