my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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