I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
