Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
