the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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