My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
