I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize