A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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