I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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