"it" just moved
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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