I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
