i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish you could order shots online.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
