god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I love you.
Bad choice
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
