My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
