omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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