I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
